READ: Dear Neighbours

Nosey Neighbours


Dear Neighbours,

It is with utmost joy I announce the first meet with my landlord, who has been so for about 16months now. Biggest boy, arrived with police escort on a cold night, as a good boy, I offered him hot coffee, right after introductions, which he put a raincheck on.

Dear Neighbours,

My landlord said he came at the behest of you all. Information so bothering he had to come all the way from Lagos (unannounced) to confirm it’s accuracy. It’s with pleasure I announce how uncomfortable I felt at first about the questions asked and how he walked around the apartment looking for “what I don’t know”. I also wish to let you know that his sister on the other side of the phone must have been reached by you also, and he confirmed his discovery about the false news they’ve both received from you, about my livelyhood.

Dear Neighbours,

He was reluctant to tell me the news, then I applied human feel to it all. Without delay, with my charming character (thanks to BabaPension), sources were listed in correlation with each news. After it all, we exchanged cards and confirmed the coffee raincheck and he stated and I quote “I’m glad everything stated was false, and you are a charming youngman. You also play chess (saw the chess setup on my centre table), we’ll play sometime soon. I wonder why they don’t like you, because I’m just meeting you and I very much like you”. He then left a much more happier man.

Dear Neighbours,

I have always been an always smiling respectful neighbour to you all. Eventhough you live in the four houses surrounding mine, I have always put my music under proper decibels, minded my business, never bothered to even know your names (until my wonderful landlord told me).

Dear Neighbours,

The God that has come to punish you sent me. It is with great joy I’m announcing my apartment as host to every funloving bobos and babes every last Friday of the month, I’ve also acquired a 2.5kva generator to make shitload of noise as I don’t have that much load to place on it. Henceforth, we will now watch movies, call of duty, GTA, and Fifa together on the home theatre. You have 2ginger cats that survive off my trash, you just guaranteed their demise.

Dear Neighbours,

These are the prices you all will pay for looking for favour with my landlord at my own expense. I will continue to smile, greet you, an torment you. Good news is, landlord won’t iwun (even) believe a shot you say to him about me later, because he met me in person and I won him over. You have done your worst and I congratulate you. Kindly put on your seat belt for this crash test.

Yours Faithfully

God’s wrath in your lives.




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